Accepting Your Spouse after an affair
by: Guest
Total views: 83
Word Count: 628
Truth goes hand in hand with acceptance. People can often see the truth, but experience difficulties in accepting what they see. In dealing with the aftermath of an affair, once you tell yourself the truth about what is going on both inside you and with your partner you have to deal with acceptance. Acceptance is a full meal deal. You can confront people on some of what they do, yet it is important to let go of the hopes that you can 'fix' them or change them. People have to be accepted for who they are. This includes their habits, proclivities, preferences, etc. Trying to accept them piecemeal or selectively does not work if you want to have a relationship with them. Selective acceptance may help keep the peace, but it does not allow relationship building. Selective acceptance actually creates distance within the relationship. If you desire reconciliation you will need to accept you spouse for who they are. You have to accept you for who you are, accept them for who they are and accept what occurred for what it is. Often, in affair situations, the situation and people are modified, enhances and fantasized about. It is easier to see the lies that your spouse is subscribing to. It is difficult to see the lies that you have been subscribing to yourself. It is almost as if people often find themselves dealing with fantasies about themselves, the partner and the situation more often than the real thing. Acceptance means a warts and all approach to who and what you are dealing with. Once you have accepted 'what is' then you have the basis for a relationship. I will follow up next on what needs to be done after acceptance. It is only after acceptance has occurred that you can begin with forgiveness. The reason for truth, then acceptance, then forgiveness is that you have to know what it is you are looking at forgiving. If you forgive before accepting the situation, there may be some unsettled issues that continue in the relationship. It also follows logically that if you are going to forgive, you need to know what it is that you are going to forgive. When you have been truthful and frank in dealing with matters, you know what it is. When you have accepted what is, then you are ready to consider forgiveness. During the time between acceptance and forgiveness, you may have to work through denial. At some level you may know the truth, but may not want to accept what is there. The reluctance to accept what is there is natural. We often do not want to face what is there. When you begin working through acceptance, there is often pain. The pain is part of the acceptance process. It is painful to be in relationship with some people. To deny that pain is to deny the reality of the relationship or deny something that is in yourself. Even in a Christian context, these issues have to be dealt with. There may be things you need to let go of, or forgive, or the pain may be letting you know that there is some issue that needs attention in the relationship. To deny the pain is to deny your humanness. How long does it take to work through the acceptance? That often depends on what kind of issues you are having to come to grips with. This is where you need a counselor that will work with you through the pain rather than one that takes up your pain and seeks to do something to that partner who hurt you in order to make them pay… You do not need revenge at this juncture, you need encouragement to work through the issues.
About the Author
Jeff Murrah has 25 years of experience counseling with couples and families. You can benefit from his years of experience in helping others through their difficulties. He lives in Texas with his wife of 24 years and three sons. In these modern times of uncertainty and confusion, his common sense answers provide direction to those who are looking for direction in their lives
Rating: Not yet rated