Infidelity and Finances
by: Guest
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Word Count: 920
Infidelity and Finances An experienced writer once commented "you can tell what is truly important to a man by what he spends his time and money on". His observation was as true when he wrote it as it is today. In the aftermath of an affair, the marital relationship often requires rebuilding in many areas. One of the areas requiring rebuilding is that of trust regarding time and finances. During the course of an affair, time and money are spent on the new and exciting relationship. The affair, like any relationship is never static. It often requires increasing commitments in time or money or both. A lack in one attribute often means having to make up for it with more of the other. The hidden price tag of affairs is often not seen until the parties are deep in the situation. Besides the initial expenditures, there are secondary costs as well. These include phone charges, gifts to pacify the resolute spouse, medical expenses, or just guilt money. The extra time expenses include the time thinking about the other party, time focused on trying to keep matters secret, time spent worrying about who might see you and what they may say. All of these are part of the price tag of an affair. These items also need attention during the ' rebuilding of a relationship'. The damage done to trust in financial matters show up in many ways. The resolute spouse may question expenses and tardiness in arriving at appointments even after an affair has ended. This is often aggravating for the spouse involved in the affair. They often believe that since the affair is over, there is no need to question their actions. They do not understand that there are many emotions attached to every reminder of the affair, including finances and time use. The resolute spouse often scrutinizes phone bills, checks, credit card statements, toll road receipts and any other documentation associated with how time and money have been spent. The scrutinizing is intensified when the offending spouse avoids or minimizes discussions of the affair. Tensions in this area often reveal that the couple did not communicate or did not take responsibility in such matters. Affairs often reveal areas where responsibilities have been ignored or avoided. Finances are an area that many people avoid or minimize responsibilities. The issues of time and money often have many emotions associated with them. Discussing these issues and bringing about some type of accountability trigger emotional outbursts. It is important to keep in mind that such outbursts are reactions to the accountability, which, if the disloyal spouse has a pattern of avoiding responsibility, to suddenly now have to face it is a drastic change. Their emotional reaction is more about resisting the accountability and the inadequacies they feel inside rather than a personal rejection of the loyal spouse. Taking the emotional reactions personally is a sure way to start a conflict that does nothing but distract from the root issues that need the attention. Recall that the affair was their solution to a problem. The avoidance of facing their inadequacies is closer to the root of the issues. In some relationships, understanding the relationship between finances and affairs can at times become a matter of circular logic of which came first the chicken or the egg. Which came first, the financial problems or the affair? In situations where the financial problem came first, the affair served as a distraction to avoid dealing with the area they seek to avoid taking on the necessary responsibility. Time is another area that often has strong emotions associated with it. Time often carries with it connotations of freedom. Discussing how the disloyal spouse spends their time often triggers comments associated with infringing on their freedoms. Since how a person spends their time reveals much about actual priorities, taking a close look at this area often reveals other issues or patterns that they are struggling with. Besides revealing priorities, accountability also reveals what has been avoided or neglected. Making relationships work requires time. Using such terms as quality time or leveraging time are still no substitute for actual time spent with the other person. Making a relationship work requires a minimum of 10-15 hours a week with each other. Trying to make it work with less time requires tremendous effort on the part of both partners. Honesty is a necessary part of the emotional healing. Honesty is also an important part in healing the areas of finances and time. Honesty also needs to be approached with caution, since when mishandled, it can cause great harm. Honesty can turn into a weapon when misused, leaving its victim demoralized, vulnerable and devastated. When this happens, couples often describe feeling 'gutted like a fish' to describe the experience. Since honesty without love is cruelty, it use needs to always be associated with love. This is where it helps to recall that the main goal is that of reconciliation, restoration and healing. If what is about to be said does not bring healing, or restoration, then it is likely in the best interest of both parties to not say it no matter how 'honest' it may be. Increasing responsibility is one of the main focuses of repairing the relationships. Couples in healthy relationships are able to respond to the needs of themselves and their partner. By contrast, in unhealthy relationships, needs are often ignored, attacked or minimized. Increasing responsibility includes making changes in how emotional, financial and time issues are addressed.
About the Author
Benefit from Jeff Murrah's 25 years of experience in counseling with couples and families. An affair does not mean the end of a marriage. You can recover from the pain of an affair without having to make the mistakes that many other couples do. Jeff has worked with many couples in overcoming the effects of affairs. He resides in Texas with his wife of 24 years and three sons.
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